my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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