Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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