I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
