Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
