think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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