I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
