i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
