As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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