we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
