Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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