Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
