What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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