His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
