The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
