You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
