It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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