I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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