So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
