So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
