May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
