Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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