Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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