Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
