I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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