she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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