And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Randomize
