I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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