:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
