The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
