I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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