Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
