Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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