would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
