I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
