If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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