Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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