Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
