So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
