I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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