if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
