What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
this must be what syphilis tastes like
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
