Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
