Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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