Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
