I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
