We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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