Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
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