someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
