I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
