I think i peed on brittanys purse
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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