i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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