Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
